I Wanna Be a Hooker

If the news has taught me anything this week about making mad money and gaining skyrocketing popular press, it's that I'm in the wrong line of work. That's why I think it's time to strap on a pair of 6-inch clear heels and get to hookin'!

Consider Eliot Spitzer's now-famous call-girl, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, AKA:"Kristen." Since her identity was revealed, she's been raking in the million-dollar offers. Besides the TV talk shows, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt told AP Friday that he e-mailed Dupre offering her $1 million to appear nude in his magazine. Then, Joe Francis reached out to her with an offer of $1 million to appear in a non-nude spread for his company's new magazine, plus a chance to join the "Girls Gone Wild" tour bus. Turns out, she already did "Girls Gone Wild!!!" To top it all off, she's actually had a legit offer to do advertising work. According to AdAge, the owner of Georgi vodka said he is in six-figure talks to put the derriere of Ms. Dupre on the backside of every bus in New York.

What have I been thinking all this time??? All I need to do for national fame and fortune is f**k a Governor! Maybe Kansas' Kathleen Sebelius - she endorsed Obama, so we have something in common. (PAUSE) Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little. What is wrong with America that we will reward repugnant, illegal actions for women and ostracize and destroy the men who engage them in said behavior? I'm not condoning either sex in these matters. And as far as I'm concerned, both these people should be banished to obscurity - and neither should see another dime from my pocket or anyone else's. But I can feel which way the wind's blowing in this nation. So, ladies, if you fancy a 5'8" Jewish American Gigolo who knows how to make you feel like a natural woman, call me. My fees are reasonable and negotiable. And when we're done, I can recite every line of every episode of The Simpsons up through Season 8. I know, I'm a sexy beast.